


November Flowers

by honggjoongie



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Unrequited Love, Woohwa, seongjoong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:55:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26517073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honggjoongie/pseuds/honggjoongie
Summary: All Wooyoung wants is to be held by Seonghwa, safe and warm in his arms, but that’s the whole reason this is happening to him.
Relationships: Jung Wooyoung/Park Seonghwa, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 25
Kudos: 78





	1. Taking Root

Wooyoung slams his laptop shut, pushing it away from him on his cluttered desk and running a hand through his hair. He hasn’t been able to get anywhere with this paper, dreading the rest of the semester when he already feels like he’s drowning. He never thought majoring in dance would warrant so much homework. He opens his laptop again with a sigh and tries to push through, writing until the words blend together in his dizzy vision. He barely registers his dorm room door opening and closing. 

“Hey Woo, still killing yourself over that paper?” He groans dramatically in response, letting his head land on the desk with a thud. 

“That bad, huh?” Seonghwa chuckles, and Wooyoung turns to face him with an incredulous look. 

“This class will be the death of me.” He whines.

“Maybe you just need to take a break and do something else.” Seonghwa moves to toe off his shoes and set his bag down. 

“Why, you have something in mind?” 

“Well I have my own paper to write, but maybe we can get lunch tomorrow?” Seonghwa suggests.

“Ugh, if I can make it that long.” 

“You’re so dramatic.” Seonghwa sits on his bed, getting settled. 

“And that’s why you love me!” Wooyoung flashes him an overly wide smile. 

Seonghwa laughs and rolls his eyes, opening his laptop. Wooyoung decides to let Seonghwa focus, turning back to his own work. He sends an sos text to San before attempting to continue his paper. He manages to make a moderate amount of progress while texting back and forth with San until a headache starts to spread behind his eyes, his head swirling with theses and peer reviewed articles and citations.

An hour later finds him in San and Yunho’s dorm, laying upside down on San’s bed, his head hanging off the edge while the other two are deep in a game of Super Smash Bros. Wooyoung doesn’t get the appeal. He does, however, find it wildly entertaining when Yunho starts yelling and nearly throws his controller because San beat him yet again. San brushes off Yunho’s accusations of him cheating, turning towards Wooyoung instead of humoring his roommate. Yunho grumbles something about going to see Mingi, San throwing a goodbye to him before he’s out the door. 

“Okay you’ve been sulking since you got here Woo, what’s wrong?” San turns back towards him.

“It’s just this damn paper, I can’t seem to get anywhere with it.” He pouts. “Seonghwa said I should take a break for awhile. We’re going to get lunch tomorrow.”

“Uh huh,” San sounds suspicious, “and speaking of Seonghwa, maybe you’d get more work done if you didn’t spend so much time ogling him.” 

“Whatever.” Wooyoung feels warmth bloom in his cheeks. 

“It’s been 2 years Woo, when are you finally going to ask him out?” 

“I’m… working on it.” Wooyoung tapers off. 

“You should just go for it, you’ve asked guys out before.” 

“But he’s not just any guy. He’s Seonghwa.”

“Ew, gross.” San fake gags. 

“I don’t know why I’m friends with you.” Wooyoung chucks San’s pillow at him. 

He stays at San’s dorm until his eyes grow heavy, feeling lighter from spending time with his friend when he leaves to head back to his own room. Although stress still has its claws in him, tightening when he struggles. 

The next morning he drags himself out of bed when his alarm sounds, taking a quick shower and getting dressed before he grabs his bag and leaves. He makes it through his first class, and throughout his second he holds onto the fact that he gets to meet Seonghwa for lunch when it’s over, and then he’s walking across campus to their favorite ramen restaurant.

Wooyoung spots him easily when he gets there, breath stolen by his roommate for what must be the thousandth time. He’s dressed simply, his sharp defined features driving overwhelming attraction into Wooyoung, softening when Seonghwa smiles at him as he walks closer, effectively melting his heart. 

“Hey, did you order yet?” Wooyoung ignores his quickened pulse. 

“Nope, I was waiting for you.” Seonghwa smiles at him again, and Wooyoung thinks he must be doing it on purpose, somehow aware of the way he makes his heart do somersaults. 

They order before finding an empty table to occupy, both digging in immediately when they receive their steaming bowls of noodles. Wooyoung only then realizes how hungry he was. They eat in comfortable silence until Wooyoung no longer feels the need to inhale his food.

“So I’ve decided to drop out and become a stripper.” He announces, Seonghwa not even batting an eye.

“Well good luck with that, I’m sure you’ll be a hit.” Seonghwa deadpans, and takes another bite.

Wooyoung chooses to ignore the implications of what he means, instead focusing on his own mock offense, letting out a gasp. 

“I’m serious, with  _ my  _ ass? I’d make bank.” He quips back.

“So you still didn’t get anywhere with that paper?” Seonghwa ignores his last remark. 

“Nope,” He says, popping the p, “but I talked to some of the people in my class, and at least I’m not the only one who feels stuck.”

“Hm, well what do you think would help you?” 

“At this point, I honestly have no idea.”

“Well I’m sure it’ll come to you eventually. I believe in you.” Seonghwa winks at him, and while Wooyoung knows he’s joking, his poor heart doesn’t. 

“Anyways, on a lighter note, what do you want to do for your birthday?” Wooyoung appreciates Seonghwa changing topic, desperate to think about anything besides his god forsaken paper. 

“Um, I don’t know, I mean, it is only October.” He shrugs. 

“You gotta start planning early, it’s important! It’s your 21st!” Seonghwa urges with an excited smile, and Wooyoung wishes he didn’t have to be so cute, but also wishes he’d never stop. 

“I’ll probably just do something small.” He deflects from the feelings in his chest.

“Boring.” 

“Says you, grandpa. Your idea of fun is cleaning.” Wooyoung can’t deny the swell of pride he feels when his words draw a laugh from Seonghwa, the sound soft and sweet. 

They finish their meal, and far faster than Wooyoung wants it to, time dwindles away and they both have classes to get to. They part ways with smiles and small waves, and Wooyoung immediately misses his company when he’s gone. He reluctantly walks to his last class of the day, his thoughts on Seonghwa’s smile. 

The next few days go the same; composed of frustration and stress, but now without the saving grace of Seonghwa’s presence outside of a few passing words in their dorm, the other busy with his own work. Wooyoung feels the tension, ready to snap, and he’s a hair’s breadth away from giving up on the assignment all together, even though he knows he can’t afford to. It leads him to a day far too close to the due date for comfort, still far behind where he should be.

In the middle of his second and last class of the day, he feels his phone buzz and he pulls it out, checking it under his desk. He can’t hold back a smile when he sees Seonghwa’s name, the older asking if he’s free to meet him at one of the nearby coffee shops when his class is over. After looking up the name of it, he realizes that for some reason he’s never been there before. 

He sends back his affirmation and does his best to focus for the remaining time. When he’s outside he starts the short walk, pulling his jacket tighter around himself against the cool breeze that washes over him. It doesn’t take long until he’s walking in the door, glad to be out of the cold, seeing Seonghwa’s black hair and plopping down next to him on the surprisingly comfortable couch.

“Hey, I’m glad you could come!” Seonghwa looks up from his laptop on the table in front of them to greet him. “I thought maybe we could work on our papers together.” 

“Ugh, don’t remind me.” Wooyoung’s still caught in his academic writer’s block, every second ticking towards the deadline furthering the dread in him as he faces his inevitable tanked grade if he can’t break through it. 

“Here, I got this for you. Hopefully you’ll be able to focus a little more.” Seonghwa grabs one of the two cups on the table and hands it to him. 

Wooyoung wraps his hands around it, taking a sip. He lets out an appreciative groan, warmth and flavor exploding in his mouth, the taste exactly how he likes it. 

“Thank you, you’re a life saver.” He gives Seonghwa a grateful smile while he gets out his own laptop. 

An easy quiet settles over them as they both get started on their work. As time ticks by, Wooyoung’s surprised by how much he’s able to concentrate and accomplish. With the dark atmosphere in the coffee shop, lights hanging overhead providing a soft glow, the warmth of his coffee in his stomach and the even warmer comfort of Seonghwa next to him, he feels more relaxed and productive than he has in weeks. 

He actually manages to finish his paper, he knows he still has to revise and edit it, but he’s completely done with the rough draft. He feels a weight lifted off of his shoulders like a physical presence. It’s then that he looks at the clock, noticing that time flew by without him realizing it. 

“Oh shit.” He starts packing up his things. 

“What’s wrong?” Seonghwa looks away from his homework, face concerned. 

“Oh, I just forgot that I reserved the dance studio for literally right now, and I really need to practice.” He knows he’s letting his disappointment bleed into his words, until he gets an idea. “You could come if you want?”

  
“Sure!” Seonghwa starts putting his own things away.

“Really? You won’t be bored out of your mind?” Wooyoung tries not to show how thrilled he is at the thought of not having to end their time together just yet.

“Not at all, I always love watching you dance.” Seonghwa smiles, and it fills Wooyoung with more warmth than all the coffee in the world. 

“Okay, if you’re sure, and maybe after we can grab dinner?” Wooyoung suggests.

“That sounds great!” 

Wooyoung has to say ‘it’s not a date’ to himself in his head on repeat. 

He returns Seonghwa’s smile, and they leave the coffee shop together. Wooyoung notes how grateful he is to the cozy little inspiration inducing piece of paradise, but he’s even more grateful to the boy that introduced it to him.

They walk towards the practice rooms, and Wooyoung thinks that even in the growing evening he doesn’t feel the biting cold with Seonghwa next to him. His hand brushes the other’s occasionally, and he bites his lip, going back and forth in his head whether he should grab it, until he decides why not.

Before he can lose his bravery, he slides his hand into Seonghwa’s, intertwining their fingers, praying that Seonghwa will chalk the inevitable redness in his cheeks up to the cold. He lets out a breath when Seonghwa only smiles at him as they continue walking, hands swinging between them. Wooyoung’s thoughts are dominated by the feeling of Seonghwa’s hand in his, his slender fingers and soft skin, tingling warmth emanating from the contact. 

“Thank you.” He hears himself saying.

“For what?” Seonghwa hums, turning his head towards him.

_ For holding my hand. _

_ For being perfect. _

_ For letting me know you. _

“For inviting me today,” he says instead, “apparently it was just what I needed.” 

“I’m really glad. So you got a lot done?” 

“I finished the whole rough draft, actually.” 

“Oh shit, that’s great!” Seonghwa’s smile blinds him, and he’d do anything to keep making him smile like that.

They talk the rest of the way to the practice rooms, where Wooyoung begrudgingly lets go of Seonghwa’s hand, a cold emptiness replacing it. They go into the studio after Wooyoung stops by the bathroom to change into more suitable clothes. 

Wooyoung blushes his way through asking Seonghwa to help him stretch, the task always more successful with the help of another person, and Seonghwa agrees easily. Everywhere Seonghwa’s hands are on him leave a burning far greater than the burning of his muscles. He knows his cheeks are pink the whole time, and he hopes Seonghwa doesn’t notice how affected he is by him. When they’re done Seonghwa sits back against the wall, and Wooyoung feels loose from the stretching, but wound tight by Seonghwa’s eyes on him. 

He plugs his phone into the aux cord and plays one of his playlists, spending more time than he normally would warming up, doing random moves and dancing freestyle to the songs that come on. He can’t shake the nerves that constrict him, thoughts on Seonghwa only a few feet away. He tries to ignore the pressure he feels rising with the need to impress his roommate, forcing his mind to focus. He picks up his phone and selects the song that accompanies the most recent piece he’s been working on. 

As the song plays and he starts dancing, body leading him gracefully through the movements, he finds himself getting lost in the music. His mind goes blessedly blank, peaceful in a way that only dance can provide him. He flows through the air, eyes on himself in the mirror, the way his muscles guide him, both strong and delicate. He never feels more confident than when he dances, more sure of himself. When the song ends he stops abruptly, panting.

His head turns towards Seonghwa when the older starts clapping enthusiastically, eyes and smile wide.

“Wow, that was amazing Woo!” Wooyoung’s skin heats for a reason having nothing to do with the exercise underneath Seonghwa’s praise. “Like incredibly good. I could never do anything like that.” 

“I’m sure that’s not true. Dancing really isn’t that hard.” Wooyoung manages to catch himself before he blurts that Seonghwa would be the most beautiful dancer. 

“Yeah right, you’re just bragging.” Seonghwa teases. 

“I’m serious! Here, come here, I’ll show you.” Wooyoung gestures to him, and Seonghwa stands and walks towards him, eyeing him skeptically.

“Just follow me.” Wooyoung instructs, playing a new song and starting with easy movements. 

After Seonghwa’s initial hesitation, he starts to follow Wooyoung’s lead. Wooyoung notices that he learns quickly, picking it up easily. He starts to move faster, technique slightly more advanced. They fall into a rhythm, and Wooyoung feels shattered to know that his earlier thought was absolutely right; Seonghwa is devastatingly beautiful when he dances. Wooyoung’s eyes follow Seonghwa’s lithe body as he dances with an elegance that should be impossible.

They face each other as the song ends, the room drenched in silence, their chests rising and falling quickly. Wooyoung wonders what Seonghwa would think if he knew his heavy breathing was far more attributed to him than the dancing. Seonghwa’s smiling, white teeth on display, sweat dripping down his golden skin. He’s glowing, and Wooyoung becomes all too aware of how close together they’re standing. 

He’s overwhelmed with the urge to lean forward, to close the gap and finally feel Seonghwa’s perfect pink lips against his. He takes in a deep breath, gathering the courage. 

“That was fun! But now I’m starving!” Seonghwa laughs, stepping back to wipe his forehead with one of the small white towels, completely unaware of the storm of need and desire raging within Wooyoung. 

Wooyoung does his best to laugh it off, head spinning with the fact that he just nearly kissed his best friend. He doesn’t know how to feel. They both get cleaned up and leave, heading to the nearby restaurant that they’d agreed on. The sun’s setting while they walk, deep orange light making Seonghwa look radiant. This time Wooyoung’s too shaken to grab his hand. Seonghwa doesn’t seem to notice.

They make it to the restaurant quickly, getting seated and glancing at the menu. After a few minutes the waiter comes and takes their orders before leaving them by themselves. Wooyoung looks around and finds that he enjoys the atmosphere; gentle lighting, furniture comfortable and pleasing, the muffled hum of voices around them.

They receive their food soon after, and Wooyoung’s mouth waters at the delicious smell. They eat enthusiastically, both of them hungry from their time dancing. 

“I have no idea how you do it Woo, I’m going to be sore for  _ days. _ ” Seonghwa groans.

“Eh, you get used to it I guess.” Wooyoung shrugs his shoulders.

“I think you’re being modest, but if you say so.” Seonghwa chuckles, “Either way, I’m thoroughly impressed. You’re really talented.” 

The assurance in Seonghwa’s voice renders Wooyoung speechless, yet another blush settling on his skin. He almost feels embarrassed by how much he craves the approval of the older. 

He stumbles out a shy thank you before he manages to shake off his shock, and they talk freely while they finish their meal. Wooyoung’s instilled with affection and contentment as the night goes on, from finally finishing his rough draft to the elation of spending time with Seonghwa, laughing and enjoying the other’s company. When they’re done eating the waiter comes back to grab their plates and drop off the check. Wooyoung starts pulling out his wallet. 

“Hey, no, I’m paying.” Seonghwa tells him.

“It’s okay Hwa, I can’t let you do that.” 

“It’s my treat. For you finishing your paper.” Seonghwa smiles, and Wooyoung is helpless against it.

He feels overwhelmingly happy by the time they leave the restaurant, walking back to their dorm in the fallen darkness. Both tired and with classes to wake up for in the morning, when they reach their room they get ready quickly and crawl into their respective beds. As he lays down, Wooyoung doesn’t allow himself to think about what might’ve happened if he’d kissed Seonghwa. 

He’s disappointed in himself for not being brave enough to do something about his consuming crush, but he’s also hesitant for a reason, determined not to do anything to jeopardize their friendship. After listening to his and Seonghwa’s combined breathing, soft in the otherwise quiet room, Wooyoung falls asleep with their whispered ‘good night’s hanging in the darkness and the memory of Seonghwa’s hand in his. 

Wooyoung goes over to San’s dorm two days later when he has time, desperate to fill his friend in on what happened. There’s a show playing quietly on the tv that neither of them are paying attention to while they sit on San’s small couch, and Wooyoung recounts the events of the night that’s been playing in his head non stop. San nods along while he listens. 

“Wow, I can’t believe you were going to kiss him!” San nudges him with his elbow. 

“I know. I wish I did. But I’m also glad I didn’t because I don’t know if he’d want me to and I’m too chickenshit to find out. Sometimes I think he does, but then he looks at me like a  _ friend  _ and I’m just so confused.” He’s wound up by the time he’s finished, needing to vent to let out some of the emotions that he’s kept bottled up and running rampant in his head for so long. “I don’t know what to do Sannie.” He pouts.

“Okay okay, well first of all just breathe.” He instructs, Wooyoung taking in a deep breath and letting it out. “Good. Now I still think that you should just  _ talk  _ to him. Tell him how you feel.” 

“I don’t know if I can do that. I get so nervous when I even think about it, I’m really worried I’ll mess something up.”

“I know. It’s because you care about him so much. But the thing is, I know he cares about you just as much. You know he’d want you to talk to him about this.” 

“Yeah, okay you’re right. Why do you have to be so smart sometimes?” Wooyoung teases, his chest lighter.

“Excuse you, I’m this smart all the time.” San retorts. “But anyways, I know the perfect time for you to talk to him.” 

“When’s that?” Wooyoung asks cautiously, his interest piqued. 

“Yunho invited us to go to the corn maze on Friday with him and Mingi and another one of his friends. You bring Seonghwa, and it’ll be totally cute and romantic for you to talk to him there.” San’s enthusiasm is infectious, and both excitement and dread swirl in Wooyoung’s stomach.

“Okay, yeah. I think I can do that.” San smiles at his response, offering him words of encouragement to end the conversation, and then they actually pay attention to what’s on the screen. 

He has to keep telling himself that he can do this. He has a plan. It’s only Seonghwa, his best friend that he’s been in love with for as long as he can remember. 

_ I can do this. _

Fuck, he can’t do this. 

Friday night he finds himself scrambling to get ready, Seonghwa already gone, planning to meet them there. He can’t decide on what to wear; nothing’s good enough and there’s no way someone like Seonghwa would feel the same towards him. He’s ready to call the whole thing off when he hears a loud knock. He yells that the door’s open, and San walks in with Yunho and Mingi in tow.

“Hey Woo are you ready to go? We’re gonna be late if you-” San cuts off his words when he sees Wooyoung sitting hopelessly in the middle of the clothes tornado he’d created. 

“San, I can’t do this.” Wooyoung looks up at him, terrified. 

“Yes you can, come on. We’ll help you get ready.” San’s tone immediately shifts to understanding and supportive, and Wooyoung’s never been more appreciative to have a friend like San. 

Wooyoung watches as the three of them sift through his clothes, tossing things around and arguing over what goes best together. In the end they decide on a pair of tight black jeans and a plain t-shirt layered over with a hooded flannel under a red jacket. San finishes the look with light makeup that compliments his black hair, and Wooyoung’s impressed with how he looks when they’re done. It’s dressed up enough, yet still simple and weather appropriate. 

“Oh my god. Thank you guys, seriously.” Wooyoung feels like he can breathe more normally now, the threat of a mental breakdown subsiding.

“Yeah, you look hot, now let’s go, Hongjoong’s already there.” Yunho urges, the four of them walking out the door together.

Wooyoung doesn’t recognize that name, assuming it’s Yunho’s friend that San had mentioned was coming. Mingi drives them there, the rest of them never having gotten around to getting their licenses. Wooyoung shifts nervously on the short trip, anxious to see Seonghwa again with the knowledge of what he’s planning to finally do.

It’s a bustle of activity when they get there, kids and parents and teens everywhere. After a chaotic phone call they’re able to find Seonghwa, Wooyoung instantly smiling widely at him when they do, and then Yunho tells his friend to meet them at the entrance so they can all go in together. Wooyoung’s thoughts are occupied by how he’s going to confess to Seonghwa, where and when and what he’ll say, when Yunho’s friend- Hongjoong, walks up to them.

Wooyoung’s first thought is that he’s small, although he carries himself confidently. He’s wearing doc martens and a bomber jacket that looks hand painted on the back, piercings adorning his ears, and his brown hair is an honest to god mullet. Wooyoung can’t help but feel jealous of how well he pulls it all off. Hongjoong smiles at them in greeting, his face bright, all perfect teeth and pretty features.

Yunho goes through introductions between all of them, and Wooyoung offers him a small wave when he hears his name, suddenly intimidated. He feels somewhat better when Hongjoong starts talking with them, seeming friendly and honestly really cool, if Wooyoung’s being honest. However, his heart drops when they all turn to pay for their tickets and he swears he sees Seonghwa’s eyes linger on Hongjoong a little too long. 

He tries to tell himself that he’d imagined it as they walk in, all talking about what they want to do. They decide on the hayride first, taking the time to get to learn more about Hongjoong and just talk. Seonghwa ends up sitting next to Hongjoong, with Wooyoung on the other side. As the ride starts, the beautiful Fall scenery rolling slowly by, Wooyoung notices Seonghwa turned towards Hongjoong, the two deep in conversation. He turns instead towards San next to him, who smiles sympathetically. 

_ It’s only because they just met. It doesn’t mean anything. I’ll get the chance to talk to him soon. _

__

The voice in Wooyoung’s head doesn’t sound very convincing.

They grab some food and sit at one of the tables before they do anything else, and still Seonghwa and Hongjoong are talking animatedly. Occasionally they’ll break apart to talk to the rest of them, but they always end up turned right back towards each other. Wooyoung would find it cute if he wasn’t currently fighting the nausea in his stomach. He pushes his food away, avoiding San’s worried gaze. 

As they go through the normal corn maze, Wooyoung sticks close to San and watches as Seonghwa follows Hongjoong around with puppy eyes. It’s clear that the two fit seamlessly together, already comfortable with the other, like they’ve known each other for a lifetime rather than one night. 

Wooyoung wonders how long he can keep himself in denial. His plan to confess seems to fade as the night goes on. 

The last thing they want to do is the haunted corn maze, and Wooyoung is less than thrilled with the idea. Normally he wouldn’t mind, cowering behind Seonghwa’s sturdy frame, but the other is now occupied with Hongjoong. San offers what comfort he can, but he senses Wooyoung’s mood as they move through the maze. Wooyoung barely reacts to the fake gory scenes and jump scares around him like he usually would, feeling more numb than anything. 

He brushes off Yunho and Mingi, who have also picked up on his odd behavior. The one person he wishes would say something is the only one who doesn’t notice. When he sees Seonghwa and Hongjoong holding hands through the maze, Seonghwa jokingly using Hongjoong as cover, both of them laughing lightly, his chest starts to ache. 

When they leave the excitement, they all agree to get dinner together, deciding on a place to eat after a couple minutes of bickering. Wooyoung stays quiet. As they drive to the restaurant and get seated, Wooyoung’s lost in his thoughts. He knows their group’s friendly banter is soured by his off demeanor, but he doesn’t know how to pull himself out of it. He does his best as they order and receive their food, not wanting to worry his friends or ruin their night. 

However, the ache that had settled in his chest deepens when he sees Seonghwa looking at Hongjoong, a small smile on his face, his eyes soft like he’s looking at the most precious thing in the world. He’s never looked at Wooyoung like that. He also notices that Hongjoong is looking back at him with the same lovestruck expression. 

He feels the pin prick of tears in his eyes, but he refuses to cry. He can’t be the reason Seonghwa stops looking as happy as he does right now, no matter how much he feels like his insides have been crushed to dust. 

When they leave the restaurant, San pulls him aside. 

“Hey, do you want to stay with me tonight?” His words are gentle, and Wooyoung nods, lip quivering. 

The two of them leave with Mingi and Yunho, Wooyoung letting Seonghwa know he’s staying with San before they wave goodbye to him and Hongjoong, knowing they’re able to get themselves home. The car ride is silent, Wooyoung watching the blurry lights go by. When they get to campus, all getting out of the car, Yunho announces that he’s staying with Mingi before he walks over to Wooyoung.

“Hey, I just want you to know that if you ever need anything or need to talk, I’m here for you.” He pulls him in for a hug. Wooyoung wraps his arms around him, sighing at the security that he feels, enveloped in the taller’s arms. 

“Thank you.” He says sincerely, pulling back. Mingi approaches him to do the same, and Wooyoung smiles genuinely for the first time that night while they’re getting in their car and driving away. He’s beyond lucky to have his friends. 

“Come on.” San grabs his hand and pulls him into the dorm. 

They both change into t-shirts and sweats, and San tells him that he can sleep in Yunho’s bed. As they lay down, the moonlight streaming in through the window allows Wooyoung to see San on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” San nearly whispers, turning to face Wooyoung.

“No, not really.” 

“Okay. I’m really sorry Woo.” San is going to leave it at that, but Wooyoung’s head is suddenly filled with thoughts of that night. 

How excited he’d been to tell Seonghwa how he feels after all this time, San, Mingi and Yunho helping him feel confident, Seonghwa ultimately having eyes only for Hongjoong. He remembers the way Seonghwa looked at Hongjoong. The way Wooyoung always longed for Seonghwa to look at him. He doesn’t even notice that tears have started running down his face until he hears San’s voice again. 

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m sorry, please come here.” Wooyoung sees him toss his comforter back, making room for Wooyoung on his small bed, and he gets up and walks across the gap on wobbly legs. 

He crawls into bed next to San, immediately curling against him as the other pulls the blanket over him. With San’s strong arms around him, Wooyoung finally breaks. His tears fall uncontrollably, sobbing as he clings to San, who can only rub his back soothingly. He lets years of emotions run out of him with his tears, face pressed into San’s chest. He cries until his head throbs and his eyes are red and puffy, nose sniffling and chest hollow. He doesn’t remember falling into a restless sleep. 

He doesn’t have classes the next day, and he spends a majority of it cuddled with San watching random shows on Netflix. San offers him encouraging words throughout the day, and by the time he decides he should head back to his room he feels marginally better than he had the night before. He gets ready to leave, San walking him to the door.

“Thank you, for everything.” He pulls San into a tight hug. 

“Of course Woo, I’m always here for you.” 

Wooyoung leaves with a smile, and walks back to his dorm. When he walks in he’s not surprised to find Seonghwa doing homework on their couch with the tv playing on low, knowing he doesn’t have class. Seonghwa sets his things aside when he sees Wooyoung.

“Hey! Did you have fun with San?” Seonghwa smiles. Wooyoung feels bittersweet.

“Yeah, we just hung out.” He puts his bag down. 

“That’s good..” Seonghwa seems to hesitate, biting his tongue. Wooyoung sits down on his bed, silence stretching between them.

“Uh hey Woo,” Seonghwa pauses, “are you okay? You seemed a little off last night, I’ve been worried about you.” The way Seonghwa’s face falls drives guilt through Wooyoung. 

“I’m okay, I was just not feeling the greatest.” Wooyoung tries to smile reassuringly, hoping it’s convincing. 

“Oh, well you should’ve told me! We could’ve come home early or something if I’d known.” Seonghwa says it like it’s the most obvious solution. 

_ I should’ve told him. _

“It’s okay, I was fine, and I feel a lot better now.” Wooyoung tries to ward off his own thoughts. 

“I’m really glad.” Seonghwa smiles again, his eyes bright. “Do you have homework to do, or do you want to watch a movie? We can order food?” 

“No, that sounds really nice.” Wooyoung’s smile comes easier, more sincere.

After they order their food they start the movie, watching it quietly at first until Seonghwa speaks up, abandoning what’s on screen to turn towards Wooyoung.

“Hey, I just wanted to say I’m sorry if I ignored you or anything last night. I’ve felt terrible about it all day.” 

“No!” Wooyoung responds too quickly, a little too loudly. “You didn’t at all.” The relieved look on Seonghwa’s face makes it worth lying through his teeth to the one person he thought he’d never have to lie to.

“Oh good, because I really wasn’t trying to. My brain kinda went fuzzy when Hongjoong showed up, honestly.” He laughs, lighthearted and airy.

Wooyoung puts on a smile, ignoring the ache that returns, wishing he didn’t feel anything but happiness for his friend. They go back to watching the movie, and he just wants the stabbing ache to subside. 

  
  


Wooyoung goes through the next couple weeks on autopilot, returning to some semblance of normal. He goes to his classes, hangs out with San, does his homework. He attempts to shift his thinking towards Seonghwa to strictly platonic, the older spending more and more time with Hongjoong. He tells himself that he can move on, and their friendship doesn’t have to suffer.

However, every time Seonghwa smiles at him, lips turned up in a sweet expression, his chest constricts. Every time they sit close together, his warmth bleeding into Wooyoung, or Seonghwa offers to bring him food when he’s too busy studying, it’s like another needle stuck into him, hooked and barbed through his skin and into his heart. 

Because at the same time, Wooyoung watches Seonghwa fall for Hongjoong. The way Seonghwa looks at him like he’s the air that he breathes. Seonghwa carved a place out for himself in Wooyoung’s heart, and then gave his own to Hongjoong, and with every passing day, every reminder of what he’ll never have, Wooyoung feels the pain in his chest worsen. 

He’s started avoiding Seonghwa, the distance only alleviating his pain the smallest amount, because he could never explain to Seonghwa why being around him makes him feel like the floor’s fallen out from under him, water washing over him as he sinks lower and lower. 

He desperately tries to have a normal friendship with him, but as the days pass by, the rest of October coming and going, being around Seonghwa only makes the ache spread. So he stays away from their dorm when he knows Seonghwa is there, ignoring the other’s confused calls and texts. He loses count of how many times San sees him cry.

The only time he gets a break from himself is when he dances. He can have a few minutes of peace when he lets his body be conducted by the music. He spends most of his free time at the studio, pushing his muscles until he can pretend the ache he feels is from exertion.

Days into November, Wooyoung’s on his way to his dorm. He was planning to go straight to the practice rooms like he normally does, but he’d forgotten his change of clothes. He hopes Seonghwa isn't home from his classes yet. 

When he walks in, he feels a lump in his throat as he sees that Seonghwa  _ is _ home, and Hongjoong is with him. They’re tangled on the couch, lips together in a passionate kiss, hands holding on to each other. 

Wooyoung feels like he’s going to be sick.

Seonghwa pulls back when he hears the door open, getting up from the couch and walking over to Wooyoung, pulling his rumpled shirt down, a blush blooming over his cheeks.

“Oh hey Woo, I didn’t think you’d be home so early.” Wooyoung’s eyes land on Seonghwa’s lips, swollen and a deep pink. 

“I just, uh I forgot my dance clothes.” He manages, tearing his eyes away from Seonghwa. 

He sees a vase on the table with a large bouquet in it. He recognizes the white chrysanthemums, the November birth flower. They look beautiful. Seonghwa notices his eyes linger on the flowers. 

“Oh! I got those for Hongjoong. Today’s his birthday.” He explains, Hongjoong getting up off the couch and joining them when he hears his name. 

“Oh, happy birthday!” Wooyoung says with as much enthusiasm as he can muster.

“Also, I asked him to be my boyfriend today.” Seonghwa’s hand reaches for Hongjoong’s, their fingers intertwining instinctually. They both smile, sweet and utterly in love.

The pang of pain that goes through Wooyoung’s chest nearly makes him double over. 

“I’m so happy for you!” He doesn’t hear himself talk, ears ringing. “I’m sorry, but I do really have to go practice.” He grabs the bag holding his clothes and barely manages to avoid running out the door. 

He still does go to the practice rooms, not wanting to go to San’s dorm, needing time alone. He rushes through changing, stretching, and warming up, craving the moments of empty calm that dance brings him. 

As his familiar song starts to play, he lets himself go, moving to the melody with practiced ease. The song picks up, his breathing growing heavy, and he waits for the storm in his head to recede as it always does, but that never comes. His thoughts only twist further as he dances, body and mind frantic. He remembers when Seonghwa was here with him, breathtaking and elegant as he danced with him, a pretty smile on his face and sweat on his skin. All he can think about is Seonghwa.

Memories flood his mind; every moment, every touch, every feeling. He can’t escape the onslaught of emotion, his head becoming dizzy and stomach lurching dangerously. He thinks about the way Seonghwa always knows what to say, knows what he needs and what he likes, the single most comforting presence Wooyoung’s ever felt. How Wooyoung feels like he’s invincible, capable of anything as long as Seonghwa is by his side, their hands intertwined. 

He stumbles, feet tangling underneath him. 

His mind shoves the image of Seonghwa’s hand in Hongjoong’s at him, Seonghwa’s puppy eyes never leaving the other’s, complete devotion with one look.

_ He will never look at me like that. _

_ He’ll never love me the way he loves him. _

His chest screams with pain, a searing knife tearing through his heart and lungs. 

His legs give out and he falls to his knees, coughing against the tightness that overtakes him, gasping for air. He feels something stuck in his throat, covering his mouth with his hand as he coughs and gags, eyes watering, until he can breathe again. 

When he pulls his hand away, cradled in his palm, white and pristine, is a single chrysanthemum petal.

He stares down at the petal, tear drops raining over it as realization hits him. 

He remembers learning about Hanahaki disease. It was never supposed to be real, only an urban legend, a myth. He remembers reading that after months of sickness, you die, choking on the flowers that eventually bloom in your lungs, suffocating from the blossoms in your throat.

_ I don’t want to die.  _

He’s vaguely aware that he’s hyperventilating, vision swimming from the tears, fear ripping through him. 

He does the only thing he can think of, standing on unsteady legs to walk over and grab his phone. With shaky hands he calls San, straining to hear over the ringing in his ears. 

“Hey Woo, what’s up?” San’s smooth voice answers.

“San, I’m at the dance studio. Can you- can you please come here?” Wooyoung sounds broken, trembling as he talks through tears.

“Why, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” 

“I just, I really need you, now.” Wooyoung chokes out.

“Okay, of course. I’m leaving right now, I’ll be there in a few minutes.” Wooyoung can hear rustling through the phone, San clearly concerned but his voice purposeful. 

“Okay, thank you.” Wooyoung whispers, and hangs up. 

He lets himself fall back, sitting with his hands in his hair. He focuses on his breathing, desperately trying to stave off the panic clutching at him.

All he wants is to be held by Seonghwa, safe and warm in his arms, but that’s the whole reason this is happening to him. 

He’s lost in the mess of his thoughts when his phone lights up in front of him. He glances at it, wondering if it’s San, when he sees that it’s a notification informing him that Seonghwa just posted on Instagram. Against everything in him blaring warnings, he clicks on the app. 

He’s met with a single picture; Hongjoong smiling warmly at the camera, Seonghwa’s arms wrapped around his waist and his lips on his cheek, the vase of chrysanthemums in the background. He reads the caption.

[Happy birthday to my favorite person! I’m so glad I get to spend it with you, I love you.]

In the picture Hongjoong’s eyes are sparkling with adoration, Seonghwa holding onto him tightly, like he never wants to let go. 

Wooyoung’s suddenly overcome with sharp pain again, chest constricting as he coughs against the tightness blocking his throat. His phone ends up on the ground, hands over his mouth as he gags. He doesn’t know how long he’s been fighting for breath when he’s startled by a hand on his back.

“Woo are you okay?” He registers San’s voice and gentle touch, but he can’t answer him, still coughing harshly.

San goes silent, and Wooyoung notices that his phone’s screen is still on in front of him, the picture of Seonghwa and Hongjoong showing. 

“Woo… what’s going on?” Despite his question, Wooyoung can hear the understanding in his voice.

When he stops heaving he takes in a deep ragged breath, pulling his hands away from his mouth. San’s fearful eyes are on him, on the white petals he’s holding. 

“Wooyoung, I don’t.. It’s not- fuck.” San stumbles over his words. “It’s because of Seonghwa?” 

Wooyoung nods, tears flowing freely. 

“ _ Fuck. _ ” San breathes, and pulls Wooyoung into his arms. 

Wooyoung cries into his chest, his hand gripping the petals. They sit unmoving on the floor of the practice room until Wooyoung’s only sniffling, breathing approaching normal as San’s soothing words and hands comfort him. 

“What are you going to do?” San pulls back, wiping Wooyoung’s tear stained cheeks with his thumbs.

“There’s not anything  _ to  _ do.” Wooyoung looks into his eyes, searching.

“Yes, there is. You talk to Seonghwa, tell him what’s happening.” San’s eyes harden.

“I can’t. He’s happy with Hongjoong, I won’t ruin that.” 

“I don’t give a shit if he’s happy, you can’t just do nothing!” San shifts away from him, his words frantic.

“I give a shit if he’s happy!” Wooyoung’s voice grows rigid, raising to meet San’s. 

“Do you really think he’ll be happy when you’re fucking dead?!” San yells, his face twisting with rage. 

“Stop!”

At that, Wooyoung breaks. He crumples into himself, sobs wracking his body, pain and terror clawing at his chest. 

“I can’t tell him, but I don't know what to do. I don’t want to die Sannie.” Wooyoung gasps between breaths, his voice muffled by his hands.

“Shit, no, I’m sorry.” San’s anger dissipates immediately as he rushes back to Wooyoung’s side. “It’s gonna be okay, I’m here, I’m sorry.” 

San waits patiently, running his fingers through Wooyoung’s hair and his hand over his back until he calms down again. Wooyoung looks up and sees San blinking towards the ceiling, breathing slowly, trying not to let tears escape his eyes. He looks back down at Wooyoung, offering a small encouraging smile.

“Do you want to stay with me for a while?” He asks.

“Please.” Wooyoung whimpers.

“Let’s get you home then.” San helps him stand. Wooyoung waits, swaying on his feet while San grabs his bag. 

San leads him out of the building, and Wooyoung notices him typing on his phone periodically as they walk. His head feels dazed, feet moving over the cold ground on their own until they’re at San’s dorm. Yunho’s not there when they walk in. 

San helps him get into his bed, quickly turning off the lights and joining him. He clings to Wooyoung, holding him close, still whispering softly that it’s going to be okay. Wooyoung doesn’t think he’s the only one San’s trying to convince. Once Wooyoung is in San’s arms again, his tired eyes refuse to stay open, a wave of exhaustion pulling him down. As he falls into unconsciousness, still clutched in his hand are the white chrysanthemum petals. 


	2. Blooming

Seonghwa’s ecstatic when Wooyoung invites him to go to the corn maze with him, San, Mingi, and Yunho, looking forward to spending a much needed night with his friends. After a week of tackling his classes and trying to stay on top of his mountain of homework, it’s finally Friday and he’s waiting there for the rest of his group. He watches kids run happily past him, parents following after them. 

His phone buzzes in his pocket, and he answers it, Wooyoung’s muted voice coming through. He tells him where he’s at, and they’re able to find each other soon after. He’s greeted by Wooyoung’s wide smile when he joins them, and he smiles back at him. Seonghwa thinks he looks nice tonight, seeming more dressed up than usual.

“Oh yeah I forgot to tell you, Yunho invited another one of his friends too.” Wooyoung mentions. 

He hears Yunho talking to said friend on the phone, telling him to meet them by the entrance so they can go in together. 

“Okay, cool.” Seonghwa chuckles and rolls his eyes at his friend’s forgetfulness. 

The thought leaves his mind as soon as their group’s conversation topic shifts, and he’s occupied by considering what he wants to do most once they’re inside. When he hears Yunho and Mingi greet their friend, he turns to look as well. 

_ Holy shit.  _

Seonghwa forgets how to breathe when he sees Yunho’s friend walking towards them. He’s small and gorgeous, and the perfect smile that he flashes when he reaches them makes Seonghwa feel like he got the wind knocked out of him. He has a unique look, and a presence that seems to demand attention and respect, but he speaks kindly, and Seonghwa melts. He hears Yunho introduce him as Hongjoong, and Seonghwa thinks that the name is just as beautiful as its owner. Seonghwa can’t be sure if he says anything when he’s introduced, and his eyes follow after Hongjoong as they all turn to buy their tickets. 

He’s able to somewhat fight through the fuzzy feeling in his head enough to engage in normal conversation with Hongjoong as the night progresses. Once he does, he realizes that in addition to being stunning, Hongjoong is also funny and brilliant, and Seonghwa could talk to him endlessly. That’s essentially what he does, and by the time his friends are urging them all to go through the haunted corn maze before they leave and get dinner, he’s already learned a lot about the new addition to their group. 

As they start going through the maze, Seonghwa tries not to flinch at every scare, but the amused smile he can see Hongjoong hiding when he glances at him every so often tells him he isn’t succeeding. However, he’s more startled when Hongjoong suddenly slides his hand into his than by any of the makeup covered actors. He can’t help but smile shyly, his cheeks heating. The feeling of Hongjoong’s hand, small and warm in his, makes his nerves spike, his pulse faster. He thoroughly enjoys the rest of the maze, still holding Hongjoong’s hand, pulling the smaller in front of him to block him from the scares just to hear his pretty laugh. 

He feels elated when they leave and head to the restaurant they’d all agreed on. He found it odd that Wooyoung didn’t immediately interject his opinion on where they should eat when they were discussing it, missing his loud voice in the conversation, but he figures he’s just stressed and tired from school. As they go through ordering and eating their food, Seonghwa thinks that Hongjoong fits in with them easily, and he talks cheerfully, his eyes bright and his perfect smile never leaving his face. 

When they leave the restaurant and Wooyoung tells him he’s staying with San, he seems off somehow, his face almost dreary. Seonghwa waves goodbye to the four of them when they get in Mingi’s car and drive away, trying to stamp down the concern curling in him for now, deciding to ask Wooyoung about it tomorrow. 

It’s then that his brain catches up to the fact that it’s just him and Hongjoong standing outside the restaurant, the sky darkening and Hongjoong’s even darker brown eyes on him. 

“So, do you live on campus?” Seonghwa asks, having learned that he’s an art major at the same university he and Wooyoung go to. 

“Yeah I do.” 

“Oh cool. I do too.” Seonghwa hums. “Can I walk you home?” He feels jittery as he waits for his response.

“I would love that.” Hongjoong smiles. 

Seonghwa smiles in return, and they start walking, the distance from the restaurant to campus reasonable. Seonghwa takes a deep breath and grabs Hongjoong’s hand again, grinning when Hongjoong intertwines their fingers, holding on tightly.

As they walk, they never run out of topics to talk about. Seonghwa asks Hongjoong about his art, and he couldn’t be happier, listening to the smaller passionately describe his major, his projects, and his career goals. 

“That sounds amazing!” Seonghwa says, completely in awe of the younger. “So did you paint your jacket yourself?” He’d been eyeing it throughout the night, curious about the origin and meaning of the paint on the back of it.

“Yeah! It’s lyrics from one of my favorite songs. Do you like it?” Seonghwa hears the pride in Hongjoong’s voice, clearly confident in his abilities, although he likes to think he values his opinion, the other looking at him expectantly. 

“I love it, actually. And if that’s anything to go by, then I’m sure the rest of your art is just as amazing.” 

Knowing he’s the one that caused the faint pink to appear on Hongjoong’s pretty cheeks makes him happier than it probably should. 

“Maybe I’ll show you some of my projects sometime.” Hongjoong smiles shyly. 

“Really?” Seonghwa’s eyes grow wide. 

“Yeah, I mean if you’d want me to.”

“Of course! I would be honored.” 

Hongjoong chuckles. “You’re cute.” 

He continues walking, pulling Seonghwa speechless and blushing next to him. 

They reach campus, and Hongjoong leads the way to his dorm. They stop outside of the building and face each other, Seonghwa distracted by how ethereal Hongjoong looks in the moonlight. 

“Can I have your number?” Seonghwa asks before he convinces himself not to.

“I thought you’d never ask.” Hongjoong teases, pulling his phone out of his pocket and handing it to Seonghwa, who does the same. “I had a lot of fun tonight.” The other adds when they swap their phones back. 

“I did too, I’m really glad you came.” Seonghwa’s hands itch to reach out. 

“Maybe next time we can go on a real date.” Hongjoong winks.

“O-oh, I uh, yeah definitely.” Seonghwa stutters, making Hongjoong smile, and he can’t keep his eyes from flitting down to Hongjoong’s full lips.

Suddenly Hongjoong stills, and then he’s leaning forward. Seonghwa’s breath hitches, his body frozen in place. He feels warm lips on his cheek, the small contact electric until Hongjoong’s pulling back and starting to turn away like he didn’t just cause Seonghwa’s entire world to come crashing down around him.

Seonghwa’s body moves before his mind catches up with it, his hand grabbing onto Hongjoong’s wrist. He pulls him back towards him, his heart threatening to beat out of his chest, and he sees Hongjoong’s wide eyes, lips parted in surprise before he closes the distance and presses his lips to the younger’s. 

Hongjoong gasps, and Seonghwa lets go of his wrist to pull him closer by his waist. Hongjoong tilts his head, their mouths slotting more firmly together, his hands coming up to tangle in Seonghwa’s hair. Seonghwa feels light headed, everything falling away but Hongjoong’s soft lips against his. 

After what could’ve been a few seconds or a few lifetimes, Hongjoong pulls away, his eyes on Seonghwa’s and a smile on his face. Seonghwa’s responding smile matches the warmth flowing through him. He reluctantly steps back, letting go of Hongjoong’s slim waist, already missing the feeling of it under his hands. 

“I was hoping you’d do that.” Hongjoong whispers. 

Seonghwa can’t get out a response, his mind flustered and cloudy, his skin flushed.

“Goodnight, Park Seonghwa.” Hongjoong’s looking at him with stars in his eyes, and it takes everything in Seonghwa not to kiss him again. 

“Goodnight Hongjoong.” He smiles softly, and Hongjoong mirrors it before he turns and walks into the building, Seonghwa’s eyes following after him.

When Seonghwa gets back to his own room, he’s disappointed to find it empty, having forgotten that Wooyoung’s staying with San. Since he left Hongjoong’s dorm, he’d been eager to rant about his night to his friend, his body still buzzing with the memory of Hongjoong’s touch. Instead he lays in bed, playing the events through his head over and over again until his body gives in to its exhaustion. 

  
  


The next day, Wooyoung comes home seeming in a better mood than the night before, although Seonghwa can’t shake the feeling that there’s still something bothering him. He asks Wooyoung if anything’s wrong and apologizes for unintentionally paying little attention to him when Hongjoong showed up. After he’s assured that the other is okay and not mad at him, he feels more at ease. 

Him and Hongjoong go on their date when their schedules allow, and Seonghwa is on cloud nine the entire time. Judging by the flirty touches and teasing smiles throughout the night, Seonghwa is confident that Hongjoong feels the same. When Hongjoong kisses him again before they part, the feeling just as electric as the first time, Seonghwa knows he’s done for.

The next few weeks fly by, Seonghwa dividing his focus between his classes and spending as much time with Hongjoong as he can. He still makes sure to reserve time to spend with Wooyoung as well, not content without the regular company of his best friend. Seonghwa can’t think of a time that he’s been happier. 

Although, worry for Wooyoung digs itself into his mind and settles there. He can’t pinpoint what’s bothering him about the way the younger is acting, but he recognizes that it’s off from the Wooyoung he’s known for years. He doesn’t think he’s imagining it when he starts to see Wooyoung less and less, until it’s mainly in passing and when he sees his sleeping form in his bed. He does his best not to dwell on it, assuming he’s just busy, trusting that the other will talk to him if anything’s wrong. 

As October passes, Seonghwa starts to feel impossibly close to Hongjoong. He knows he should be scared of how hard he’s falling for the smaller boy, but he’s convinced that Hongjoong is there with him, falling just as fast. 

He starts to feel conflicted, his relationship with Hongjoong growing stronger daily, but Wooyoung seems increasingly distant. He checks in with him often, texting him since he rarely sees him anymore, and receiving short responses only some of the time. He hopes he didn’t do anything to upset him, crushed at even the thought of hurting his friend. 

In Wooyoung’s absence, he spends all of his free time with Hongjoong. His heart is always full when he’s with him, constantly laughing and smiling. Whenever they touch Seonghwa’s body sings, butterflies in his stomach and sparks flying through him, warmth at home in his chest. He never wants their time together to end, addicted to how Hongjoong makes him feel. 

He decides that Hongjoong’s upcoming birthday is the perfect time for him to ask him to be his boyfriend. While he assures himself that Hongjoong will say yes, nerves still coil through him as he plans for the day. When it’s the morning of the 7th, he sends Hongjoong a happy birthday text, absolutely riddled with exclamation points and emojis, giggling to himself at the smile he pictures on Hongjoong’s face when he replies. 

He asks Hongjoong if he can meet him at Seonghwa’s dorm when his classes are over, relieved when he accepts. While he has one more class than Hongjoong, he’s skipping it for the special occasion. He’s both excited and on edge as he sits through his classes, wanting everything to go smoothly. He rushes home when his class is finished, stopping to pick up Hongjoong’s favorite flavor cupcakes and a bouquet of flowers. 

When he gets home, he makes sure the space is clean, showering and getting dressed in nicer clothes. By the time Hongjoong knocks lightly and walks in the door, setting his bag down, Seonghwa is ready, but anxious for the rest of the day.

“Hey birthday boy.” Seonghwa walks up to him with the flowers in his hand. He’d gotten him chrysanthemums, having read that they’re the November birth flower. 

“They’re  _ so  _ pretty, thank you!” Hongjoong smiles widely, taking the bouquet from him and taking a deep breath of their scent. He grabs a vase, clipping the stems and placing them in the water before positioning them on the counter, eyeing them proudly when he’s done.

“So are you ready to go?” Seonghwa asks.

“Where are we going?” Hongjoong responds, a playful glint in his eyes.

“I’m taking you to lunch.” 

“Well I feel underdressed.” Hongjoong laughs, looking Seonghwa up and down. 

“You look perfect.” Seonghwa wraps his arms around his waist, pulling him against him. “You’re so beautiful.” 

Hongjoong smiles, pink dusting his cheeks. Seonghwa feels him rustling around in his pocket, confused until he pulls out his phone, clicking on his camera. When he holds it up to take a picture of them, Seonghwa kisses his cheek, his lips meeting smooth skin, and he feels Hongjoong smile wider. 

“Okay, now I’m ready to go.” Hongjoong turns his head, pressing a light kiss to his lips, before Seonghwa pulls away and they head out the door together. 

The walk to where Seonghwa’s taking him, the restaurant not far away, although they don’t normally eat there due to the more expensive nature of it. When they walk in, Seonghwa coos over Hongjoong as he takes in their surroundings with wide eyes. Seonghwa had made a reservation, and they’re seated soon after.

“Oh my god, Seonghwa this place is insane!” Hongjoong says as he examines the menu. “This is  _ way  _ too expensive!” 

“Nope, definitely not. It’s your birthday, get whatever you want.” Seonghwa encourages with a smile. 

Hongjoong nods bashfully and looks back at the menu. 

As they order and eat their food, Seonghwa feels himself relax, comfortable with Hongjoong while they talk and laugh. He can’t stop himself from being distracted by how lovely Hongjoong looks in the gentle lighting. However, towards the end of their meal he feels tension creep back in, a sudden lull in the conversation offering him an opportunity. 

“Hey Joong, I have something to ask you.” He’s proud that he keeps his voice even. 

“Okay, what’s up?” Hongjoong looks up at him from his nearly empty plate. Seonghwa takes a deep breath. 

“I’ve had the most amazing couple weeks with you. You make me so incredibly happy, and I want to ask if you’ll be my boyfriend.” He says it in one breath, the words nearly tumbling over each other through his nerves. 

“Seonghwa, I’ve wanted to be yours since the moment I saw you.” Hongjoong smiles, his eyes tender, and Seonghwa lets out a relieved laugh, smiling widely. 

“Oh, here.” Seonghwa pulls out Hongjoong’s present, setting it on the table in front of him. It’s a small box, wrapped with a bow on top. 

“Aw, you didn’t have to get me anything baby.” Hongjoong says as he grabs the small box. 

Seonghwa watches in anticipation as Hongjoong carefully unwraps the gift to reveal a dark jewelry box. When he lifts the top he brings his hands up to cover his mouth. Placed in the box is a ring, a silver butterfly placed on top of it. 

“Seonghwa, it’s  _ gorgeous! _ ” Hongjoong gasps. 

“You really like it?” 

“I love it.” Hongjoong picks up the accessory, sliding it onto his pointer finger, and Seonghwa’s relieved to see that it’s not too big or too small on him.

Hongjoong’s looking at it adoringly, and Seonghwa’s taken aback by his boyfriend. His  _ boyfriend.  _ He looks perfect; delighted and shining. 

“I love you.” 

There’s a pause, and Seonghwa freezes when he realizes that he’d said that out loud. Hongjoong’s quiet, looking at him with shock. 

“Uh, shit I didn’t mean to- I’m really sorry..” 

“Seonghwa, it’s okay.” Hongjoong grabs his hand on the table, attempting to calm him. “I love you too.” He says it quietly, but without any doubt.

Seonghwa beams at him, feeling euphoric, able to breathe normally again after being terrified he’d done irreparable damage. 

They finish their food, and Seonghwa pays the bill, hushing a still protesting Hongjoong. While they walk back to his room, he can feel the tension taut between them. Once they’re in his dorm, Hongjoong’s hands are immediately on him, capturing his lips in a searing kiss. He hums against his mouth, appreciation and need flowing between them. 

Seonghwa pulls back, Hongjoong following him as he leads them to the couch. He sits down, and Hongjoong pushes him to lay back, connecting their lips again. Hongjoong lays over him, his small frame pressed perfectly against him, his skin heated everywhere his hands touch. When Seonghwa’s starting to get light headed Hongjoong breaks the kiss, breathing heavily. He looks unbelievable, hair messy and lips swollen.

“I love you.” Seonghwa breathes.

“I love you too.” Hongjoong smiles, and Seonghwa feels like he’s floating, held down only by the weight of his boyfriend on top of him.

Seonghwa brings his hand to the back of Hongjoong’s neck, pulling him down, needing to feel his lips again. He loses track of where he ends and Hongjoong begins, and he doesn’t ever want to find out. He lets out a moan when he feels Hongjoong’s hands tease under his shirt, his fingers hot against his stomach. 

He’s pulled from his Hongjoong induced haze by the sound of the door opening and closing. Hongjoong pulls away from him to sit back on the couch, and he sits up to see Wooyoung standing in front of the door, his face seeming pained. Seonghwa gets up and walks over to him, realizing his disheveled look, attempting to pull his shirt down as he feels heat on his cheeks.

“Oh hey Woo, I didn’t think you’d be home so early.” He’d assumed Wooyoung would be home late from the practice rooms like he normally is. 

“I just, uh I forgot my dance clothes.” He notices Wooyoung avoiding his gaze as he answers.

He follows his line of sight, realizing that he’s looking at the vase of flowers he’d gotten for Hongjoong sitting on the counter.

“Oh! I got those for Hongjoong. Today’s his birthday.” He explains, and he hears Hongjoong getting up off the couch when he hears his name, coming to stand next to him.

“Oh, happy birthday!” Wooyoung’s voice sounds stale. 

“Also, I asked him to be my boyfriend today.” Seonghwa feels pride and excitement swell in his chest when he relays the news, delighted to be able to share it with his best friend. 

He reaches his hand towards Hongjoong’s, feeling at home when he intertwines their fingers. He can’t help but smile, and looks over to see Hongjoong do the same, just as beautiful as the first night his smile had swept him off his feet.

“I’m so happy for you!” Wooyoung’s face doesn’t reflect his words, and Seonghwa feels worry take root in his chest. “I’m sorry, but I do really have to go practice.” The other grabs his bag and walks out the door without another word. 

Seonghwa frowns after him, his mood deflating. 

“What’s wrong baby?” Hongjoong turns towards him.

“Oh, it’s just, it seems like something’s wrong with Woo. He’s actually been acting weird for a while, I’ve barely even seen him.” He frowns. 

“Hm, have you tried talking to him?” Hongjoong asks, his voice gentle. 

“Not really, I wanted to give him space, I didn’t want to be too pushy.” 

“Well that’s very sweet of you.” Hongjoong pauses, his mouth turning up in a small smile. “But maybe you should, just check in, ask if he’s okay or needs anything?” 

“Okay, I will next time I see him, thank you. You always know what to say.” He smiles. “So what do you want to do now birthday boy? We could watch a movie?”

Hongjoong agrees enthusiastically, and Seonghwa surprises him with the cupcakes he’d bought. His heart swells at Hongjoong’s small squeal of approval, and they get settled on the couch. He lets Hongjoong pick whatever movie he wants, and they eat too many cupcakes while they watch. 

Seonghwa feels warm, cuddled with Hongjoong while the movie plays in the background. He pulls out his phone, remembering the picture that Hongjoong had taken and sent to him. He types on his phone for a few minutes, smiling to himself at the picture of the two of them, typing out a short but sweet caption and uploading it. Hongjoong’s own phone buzzes, and he checks it, giggling lightly when he sees the post. 

“Ah, you’re such a sap.” Hongjoong smiles, leaning closer to press a light kiss to Seonghwa’s lips. 

“Only for you, baby.” Seonghwa teases.

“Thank you so much for today Hwa.” Hongjoong looks at him, his eyes teary. “Today was amazing. Nobody’s ever made me feel so special on my birthday before.” 

“Well you deserve it, because you’re the most special every day.”

“Like I said,  _ sap _ .” Hongjoong wraps his arms around Seonghwa’s shoulders. “And I love you for it.” 

“I love you more.” 

They spend the rest of the night tangled together, and Seonghwa completely misses what happens on the screen, thoroughly distracted by Hongjoong’s lips.

  
  


Wooyoung doesn’t come home for the rest of the night, and Seonghwa doesn’t think much of it until he doesn’t show up for a few more days, not even to sleep. He gets a text from San saying that Wooyoung’s going to be staying with him for a while. His confused questions asking him why and when is he coming home are left unanswered. He tries to stay calm about it, telling himself that Wooyoung’s with San, who has always taken care of his friend when he needs it, but he’s still plagued with concern about what would make Wooyoung leave without a word. 

A few weeks pass by, and Seonghwa texts Wooyoung, San, Mingi, and Yunho almost daily with anxiety saturated questions, basically begging for them to tell him anything about Wooyoung, about what’s happening. He’s lucky to get any replies, and if he does, they’re vague, telling him that Wooyoung’s okay, but the information stops there.

Hongjoong is the only thing that keeps him level headed. His boyfriend a reliable constant in his life; a pillar of comfort when he needs it and his refuge when yet another one of his texts goes ignored. He leans on Hongjoong until the other’s bearing his full weight, keeping him afloat when he threatens to drown in his own fearful thoughts. 

Nearing the end of November, Seonghwa still hasn’t heard anything from his friends, and still hasn’t seen Wooyoung, at home or on campus. He’s sitting on the couch, the sky long darkened outside, struggling through an assignment when Hongjoong gets home from working on a project for one of his classes, setting his things down. 

“Hi baby.” Seonghwa greets him.

“Hey, have you eaten?” Hongjoong sits down on the couch next to him. 

“No, I’ve just been trying to get this done.”

“Didn’t you say that was due yesterday?” Hongjoong peers over his shoulder. 

“Yeah, but it’s okay, I’ll get it done soon.” Seonghwa shrugs. 

“Okay.. so do you want to get some dinner?”

“I’m not really hungry.” Seonghwa keeps his eyes on his laptop, though the words had long since blurred together. 

“Hwa, please, look at me.” 

Seonghwa takes his eyes off the screen, guilt filling him when he’s met with Hongjoong’s tired eyes. 

“Baby, I’m worried about you.” Hongjoong whispers.

“You don’t need to be..” Seonghwa knows it’s a lie.

“Yes, I do.” Hongjoong’s voice grows firm. “You barely eat, you’re falling behind in school, you spend all your time worrying, you don’t take care of yourself, and you won’t talk to me.” 

“He’s my best friend and I have no idea what’s happening with him Hongjoong, what else am I supposed to do?” Seonghwa’s brow furrows. 

“Let me help you.” Hongjoong’s voice is soothing, contrasting Seonghwa’s agitated tone. Seonghwa’s all too aware that he doesn’t deserve Hongjoong, his unending understanding and patience.

“I don’t know what to do Joong, I’m so worried about him. I wish I could just talk to him.” He feels tears pool in his eyes. 

“Hey, it’s okay.” Hongjoong puts his hands on Seonghwa’s face, soft and gentle as he wipes away his now falling tears. “He’s probably just going through something.”

“But he’s never just stopped talking to me like this before. I don’t know if I did something wrong.” Seonghwa can’t remember a single time in their years of friendship that Wooyoung didn’t feel comfortable coming to him with his problems. 

“I know baby, but like you said, he’s your best friend. He’ll talk to you when he’s ready.” Seonghwa has to believe him, has to trust that he’s right.

He nods, and Hongjoong pulls him in for a hug. Seonghwa holds onto him, burying his face in his neck. He smells familiar, safe, and he can feel himself calm with every breath. “Thank you.” He mumbles against his skin, and Hongjoong tightens his hold on him in reply. 

“So, dinner?” Seonghwa says when he pulls back, and he can’t think of anything more healing than Hongjoong’s resulting laugh. 

Seonghwa does feel better after his talk with Hongjoong, making an effort to be more open and accepting of help from the other. He still tries to get in touch with San, but steps back somewhat to give Wooyoung some space. In the meantime, he’s somewhat successful at keeping his concern from running rampant again. 

He’s not sure what he’s expecting when Wooyoung’s birthday comes, maybe subconsciously assuming that things would magically return to normal because they always spend it together. Regardless of the past month, he’s still surprised when there’s not some sort of lift on the radio silence from Wooyoung and his friends. On the morning of Wooyoung’s birthday, Seonghwa can’t help but feel hopeful when he sends a text to him. 

[Hey Woo! Happy birthday!! I hope you’re doing okay.] 

He feels jittery as he sits through his classes, checking his phone religiously. He’s craving any response from Wooyoung, especially today, and disappointment settles in his heart when he gets home with no reply. 

[I’m always here if you need anything.] 

[I miss you.]

He sends, wanting to be supportive until his mind runs wild thinking about what he could be doing now, if he’s okay, why he doesn’t want to see him on his birthday. He’s tearing up as he types the question that’s plagued him for weeks. 

[What did I do wrong?] 

He’s sitting on the couch waiting for Hongjoong to get home, tapping his foot on the carpet absentmindedly when he decides that even if he can’t see Wooyoung on his birthday, the fact of which he’s still struggling with, he can at least buy him a present. He’ll bring it to San and Yunho’s room, hopefully they’ll deliver it to him. 

He sends a text to Hongjoong letting him know he’s leaving before he heads out the door. He goes to a few different stores, trying to find something good enough for his best friend, and each time he leaves frustrated and empty handed. He runs his fingers through his hair, imagining what Wooyoung would say if he were here. He would tell him he doesn’t need to get him anything at all, that it’s the thought that counts. 

He’s struck by an idea, and he leaves the store he’s in to rush home.

When he leaves his dorm again, darkness is creeping over campus, and he has a wrapped box in hand, card set on top of it. He makes his way towards San’s room, hoping that Wooyoung will like what he’s giving him, even though he won’t be able to see him open it. He pushes away the heaviness in his heart at the reminder. He repeats Hongjoong’s words to himself in his head; this is what Wooyoung needs, and he’ll come to him when he’s ready, he’ll be okay once he’s worked through it.

He gets to their dorm soon after, his pace brisk in the frigid late November air. He holds his breath as he knocks on their door, his hands twitching against the gift in them. He waits for a few minutes, listening for any signs of life coming from inside, but hears nothing. He waits a couple more minutes, until his fingers are numb, the tips of his ears and nose red. He turns to leave, a dull pain spreading through his chest as he walks away from the building. 

He’s half way back to his own room, teary eyes on the ground under his feet when he hears familiar voices nearby. His head snaps up, and he sees Yunho, Mingi, San, and Wooyoung walking in a tight huddle back in the direction Seonghwa had come from. He can’t deny that seeming them stings. 

However, any thoughts of self pity dissipate when he notices Wooyoung; he looks, admittedly,  _ awful.  _ He’s impossibly skinny, his cheeks sunken in, eyes bloodshot with dark bags accompanying them, his skin pale and colorless. While the other three talk, he remains quiet, his small frame conveying that staying on his feet consumes all the energy he has, his head hanging low. He doesn’t look like Wooyoung anymore. He doesn’t look  _ alive  _ anymore. Seonghwa feels nausea swirl in his gut. 

He’d told himself that he’s giving Wooyoung space, but seeing his state, he has to get some answers, desperate to help him. He walks towards them, his hands shaking. When he gets close enough, the other three notice him first, and they still, faces like they’ve seen a ghost. He keeps walking, but he stops dead in his tracks when Wooyoung looks up, following the others’ lines of sight until their eyes meet.

For one second everything stops, and Seonghwa sees the heavy sadness in his eyes, so deeply rooted that it’s like he’s never known anything but sorrow.

And then Wooyoung starts coughing, doubling over as he struggles to breathe, each one sounding rougher than the last. 

Seonghwa moves to rush to his side, but instead collides with something solid, realizing it’s San that’s keeping him away. He watches as Yunho shields Wooyoung from him, soothing him as he leads him away in the direction of his and San’s room, Mingi following after with a worried glance over his shoulder. The sound of Wooyoung’s coughs slowly fades. 

“What the hell, Seonghwa?” San shoves him back, making him stumble. 

“I could say the same thing, San! What’s wrong with him, why does he look like that? Why won’t any of you tell me anything?” He yells. 

“It’s not something you need to know.” San’s voice is ice, his eyes hardened. 

“He’s my best friend, I have a right to know! I just want to help him!” Seonghwa feels his desperation rising, the sight of Wooyoung’s lifeless eyes embedded in his memory.

“There’s nothing you can do for him, just go home.” 

“I don’t fucking understand San, he leaves without a word and now he looks like he’s fucking dying and there’s nothing I can do about it? That’s bullshit.” Seonghwa grits his teeth. 

“And that’s just it, isn’t it Seonghwa?” San takes a step forward, staring him down. “You never understand, the answer was always right in front of you and you never saw it, and now look what happened! Why do you have to be so  _ dense!? _ ” He’s nearly screaming, seething with anger and disbelief. 

“What the hell are you talking about?” Seonghwa’s head is spinning. 

“Wooyoung has been in love with you for years.” San’s voice is tight.

“I- I don’t, I don’t understand.” 

“And you want to know why he looks like he’s dying? Because he fucking _is._ He has hanahaki disease.” Seonghwa takes a step back, his head collapsing as it tries to wrap itself around his words. “He didn’t want us to tell you. He just wants you to be happy, but I think you should know.”

“San, that’s not fucking funny. That isn’t real.” Seonghwa’s voice shakes.

“Do you think I would lie about this?!” San’s yelling again, his finger pointing in Seonghwa’s face. “I’ve been with him for  _ weeks _ . He can’t keep food down, he barely sleeps, and he coughs up more flower petals every day. He’s dying, right in front of my eyes and there’s nothing I can do to stop it, so don’t you  _ dare  _ tell me it’s not fucking real!” 

“No.” Realization comes over Seonghwa like a crushing weight. “No, no, no.” 

Everything comes together, why Wooyoung started acting so strange the night they met Hongjoong, why he started avoiding him. Why he left the night of Hongjoong’s birthday.

“You should go.” San’s voice is cold, distant. Seonghwa shoves Wooyoung’s present into San’s hands and turns away. 

He doesn’t remember walking home, or maybe he ran, he’s only aware that he walks in his door and closes it behind him. Everything’s spinning, the ringing in his ears overpowering. His legs give out and he falls, his back against the wood and his head in his hands.

Tears are streaming down his cheeks, San’s words running through his head. He can’t breathe, he can’t think, his chest is heaving. 

“Seonghwa?” He flinches when he feels a hand on his back, small and familiar. 

“Seonghwa, baby, are you okay?” 


	3. Withering

On the morning of his 21st birthday, Wooyoung wakes up choking. San’s immediately by his side, helping him through coughing up countless petals, like he does every time. Over the past month it’s been happening multiple times a day, the amount of petals increasing, each one still snow white. He hasn’t been able to go to his classes, having to run to the bathroom every few hours, growing weaker as his stomach starts rejecting anything he puts in it. When his throat is finally clear again, he sits back, tears leaking from his eyes, gulping breaths with San’s calming hand still on his shoulder. 

“Happy birthday.” San’s chuckle is humorless, and Wooyoung hadn’t realized he closed his eyes until the other speaks, opening them to look at him. 

“Thanks.” He offers a half hearted smile. 

“What do you want to do today?” Wooyoung can see the hope in San’s eyes. He gets it, he just wants to have one normal day. 

“Same thing as every other day.” San’s face falls with Wooyoung’s words.

“At least let us take you to dinner tonight.” 

“San, I-”

“Please Woo, just let us take you out for your birthday, just this once. I think it could be good for you.” San pleads with his words and his eyes. 

“Okay, fine.” Wooyoung smiles when San’s face lights up. 

His phone vibrates in his pocket, and he pulls it out. Seonghwa’s name makes his throat tighten threateningly, but he swallows against it. 

[Hey Woo! Happy birthday!! I hope you’re doing okay.] 

He pictures Seonghwa with his messy morning hair, sitting in his undoubtedly way too clean room as he texts him. Even after Wooyoung left without a word, even after he’s ignored him for a month, Seonghwa still thinks about him, still wishes him a happy birthday. It takes everything in him not to respond, wanting nothing more than to speak to him, to go to him and tell him everything, but he doesn’t. He tells himself once again that this is the only way to make sure Seonghwa’s happy. Tears sting his eyes as he reads the message over and over.

“Woo, why don’t you just block him? You shouldn’t put yourself through this.” San looks at his screen, seeing Wooyoung’s eyes locked on the text. 

“I can’t.” Wooyoung puts down his phone.

“Why not?” 

“He’s still my best friend.” He looks into San’s eyes.

“Then why don’t you talk to him?” 

“What would be the point? There’s nothing he can do. There’s nothing anyone can do.” Wooyoung aches when he says the words. 

“You know he cares about you. He’d want to be here for you.” 

“He’s happy, San. Just let it go.” Wooyoung looks away.

“Okay, I’m sorry.” San squeezes his shoulder once, and then he’s gone. 

Wooyoung curls into himself around his phone, a growing emptiness in his chest. 

He spends the day sitting on the couch, the tv on in front of him but his mind miles away. He replays his past birthdays, when Seonghwa would spend the whole day with him. He’d always make it feel special, putting so much thought into every outing, every gift, even if he didn’t have the money to get him something extravagant. 

He finds his thoughts then straying to dance. He hasn’t danced since Hongjoong’s birthday, first unable to fight through his own mind to try, and then his body too weak to let him. He misses it with everything in him. He longs for the freedom it gave him, the strength and confidence in himself it provided. It had once been one of the most important aspects of his life, now only a distant memory. 

Another buzz in his pocket pulls him down from the clouds. He looks at his phone.

[I’m always here if you need anything.] 

[I miss you.]

The words dig themselves into his heart, sharp reminders of what he’s been avoiding. He sees another text come in.

[What did I do wrong?] 

He feels tears run down his face. He doesn’t want Seonghwa to blame himself. He did nothing wrong, but Wooyoung can’t explain that to him. It’s better to let him forget and move on. 

He eventually showers, letting the hot water run over him, and gets dressed in something other than sweats for the first time in what feels like forever. Maybe San’s right, maybe tonight will be good for him. Yunho and Mingi come over, greeting him warmly, and they all walk out together. Wooyoung breathes in the air, colder than he’d realized.

San takes them to one of Wooyoung’s favorite restaurants, and he smiles at him gratefully. After they receive their food, Wooyoung appreciates the atmosphere and conversation, he’s able to laugh and talk freely with the other three, and it almost feels like nothing’s wrong.

Until he takes more than a couple bites of his food, a wave of nausea coming over him, and he has to push his plate away, gaining the attention of his friends. He tries to smile at them, but it feels more like a grimace. He’s at least thankful that his stomach and lungs cooperate enough for him to sit through the rest of the meal. 

By the time they leave the restaurant, he has to ignore the way his legs shake as they walk home. He hangs his head low, tiredness overcoming him, and listens to the other three. Goosebumps ripple up his arms when he feels eyes on him, pin pricks on his skin, and the voices around him fall silent.

He looks up to see San, Yunho, and Mingi all staring, and his blood runs cold when his eyes meet Seonghwa’s, the older standing frozen in place. 

Seonghwa looks the same, his strong features that are etched into Wooyoung’s memory, now twisted with sadness. He’s holding a wrapped box, and his eyes are haunted as they look into Wooyoung’s. 

It’s too much. Wooyoung’s chest constricts and he nearly collapses, bent over as coughs rip out of his throat, more continuous and harsh then they’ve ever been. He can’t catch his breath through the petals, his vision blurry. 

He’s barely aware when Yunho puts himself between him and Seonghwa, soothing him while his gentle hands lead him away. As Yunho and Mingi help him back to his room, he wants to tell them to stop, that he wants to see Seonghwa. He wants to make sure he never looks at him that way again, but he can’t speak, every breath bringing on another cough. 

When they’re in the door, he falls to his knees, reaching in his throat to try to remove the petals, gagging on his hand, choking on the white flowers. He gasps for air when they’re all out, spread over the floor, more than any of the other times. Yunho’s by his side, and he leans against him, tears escaping his eyes. 

He’s not sure how long they’ve been sitting there on the floor, Yunho holding him, his chest rising and falling deeply, when the door opens again and San walks in. He sits up too quickly, his head spinning.

“Where’s Seonghwa?” 

“He went home.” San’s voice is tense. Wooyoung notices the present in San’s hands, the same one he’d seen Seonghwa holding. “Here.” San hands it to him, and he takes it, his own hands shaking.

He hears San tell Yunho and Mingi goodbye, his focus on the gift in his lap. Once they’re gone, San cautiously helps him move to the couch before he leaves again to give him privacy. He holds his breath while he peels away the wrapping paper to reveal a plain box underneath. When he takes off the lid, a sob bursts from his chest. 

Folded in the box is a red hoodie, Seonghwa’s red hoodie that he’s always loved, the same one he got on a vacation with his family. Wooyoung doesn’t know how many times he tried to steal it from the older, its fit perfect on him, although most of the appeal coming from the fact that it smells like Seonghwa, the thrill of wearing something that’s his. He never expected he’d actually give it to him.

He picks it up, burying his face in the soft material. Seonghwa’s scent overpowers his senses, strong and comforting. The tears come faster, and he starts coughing. He slips it over his head, his nose still pressed against the collar, and he coughs harder. 

It’s then that he realizes the card sitting next to the box. He pulls it out of the envelope, finding the cheesy happy birthday cover endearing, to read what’s written inside. 

_ Woo, _

_ Even though I’m not with you on your birthday, I still wanted to give you something. I know it’s not much, but I hope you enjoy it. Just know that I’m thinking about you today.  _

_ I really am here if you need anything. Always. I wish I could see you today, but I only want what’s best for you. _

_ I hope you have an amazing birthday. _

_ I miss you and love you. _

_ Seonghwa. _

The card’s stained with tears by the time Wooyoung’s done reading it, his chest on fire. As he chokes on the petals pushed up through his throat, San is by his side again.

By the time he’s able to breathe shakily without gagging, he’s exhausted, and he falls limp in San’s arms. He’s not aware of when exactly he falls asleep. 

He’s woken up by a knock at the door. He’s in his bed now, unsure how he got here, and he feels the familiar scratch creeping up his throat. He hears San get up and walk over to the door. He loses focus, unable to hear whoever it is. He lays still, trying to hold off the ache in his chest. He’s tired of coughing, his throat raw. Eventually San comes up to him hesitantly, his hand feather light on his arm.

“Hey Woo?” He whispers. Wooyoung hums in response. “Seonghwa’s here.” 

His head snaps up, his eyes wide open. He tries to blink against the darkness around him.

“He wants to talk to you. Is that okay?” San speaks again. Wooyoung doesn’t understand, his mind reeling. 

_ Why now?  _

He nods, and San tells him he’s going to let them talk by themselves. San helps him sit up before he leaves, and he climbs out of the bed when the other’s gone, now noticing Seonghwa sitting on the couch. 

Seonghwa looks terrible. His hair is disheveled, his skin an angry pink, hinting that he walked here without a jacket, and as Wooyoung moves closer he can see tear stains on his cheeks. Seonghwa turns bloodshot eyes towards him. He sits down next to him carefully. 

He feels his chest tingle unpleasantly at his proximity to the older, closer than he’s been to him in weeks. He forces the tickle in his throat down. 

“Seonghwa, what are you doing here? What’s wrong?” He pulls his feet onto the couch, wrapping his arms around his legs. 

“I- I came to tell you to come home with me.” Wooyoung thinks he’s never seen him look so utterly defeated. “San told me about your disease.” 

The words make a thousand emotions flutter through Wooyoung; anger, hope, betrayal, relief. 

“Then you know why I can’t go with you.” His throat feels far too dry.

“Wooyoung, I love you.” 

He can’t stop a cough from forcing its way through his throat. He doesn’t miss the brief look of panic on Seonghwa’s face.

“You know it doesn’t work like that.” His heart beats painfully in his chest.

“I want to be with you.” 

Wooyoung feels tears return to his still swollen eyes. He’s so tired of crying.

“You love Hongjoong.” He speaks through the tightness, his words strangled.

“I love you. I want you to come home. We’ll be together, and you’ll be okay.” Seonghwa sounds desperate, his eyes frenzied. 

“Please don’t say that, I know you’re happy with him.” Wooyoung lets out the sobs building within him, interrupted by his coughing.

Seonghwa moves forward, his hands on Wooyoung’s cheeks before he can flinch away. 

“I broke up with him weeks ago. We weren’t working out. I want to be with you. Please.” 

_ Then why do you look so broken? _

Tears are flowing over Seonghwa’s cheeks now, the tip of his nose red. Wooyoung can’t stand to see him cry. 

He leans into Seonghwa’s touch, allowing himself the indulgence. As he looks into Seonghwa’s eyes, feeling his hands on him, his familiar smell surrounding him, hearing him say the words he’s dreamed about for months, he can’t stop himself. 

He thought he was doing the right thing before, by staying away from Seonghwa. He doesn’t know what’s right anymore. He’s out of strength, he only knows that he craves Seonghwa, no matter how much his lungs threaten to tear themselves apart when he’s near.

“Okay.” He puts his hands over Seonghwa’s. “Let’s go home then.” 

Seonghwa smiles, but Wooyoung can see the pain masked behind it. He helps Wooyoung grab some of his things, and they go to leave. Wooyoung first finds San, Seonghwa telling him he’ll wait for him outside. 

“Are you going to be okay?” San looks him up and down, worry on his face. 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” He tries to smile, but San doesn’t look convinced. 

“You’ll let me know if you need anything, right?” San puts his hands on his shoulders.

“Of course, thank you for everything.” 

San pulls him in for a hug, and Wooyoung grips the back of his shirt, breathing deeply through the pain still settled in his chest, until he pulls away. With one last glance, he walks out the door to meet Seonghwa.

When they get home, Seonghwa immediately pulls Wooyoung with him to his bed, his eyes drooping. He lays down, and Wooyoung lays with him, his head on his chest. Seonghwa’s smell envelops him, his warm hands holding him. Wooyoung breathes deeply, the warmth bleeding into him, until he starts coughing. 

He has to sit up, his throat closing, but Seonghwa’s right there with him, his hand rubbing his back like San had done. Wooyoung thinks that the feeling of Seonghwa’s gentle hands and smooth voice is like heaven after being without him for so long.

“It’s okay baby, I’m here for you now, you’re okay.” Seonghwa speaks softly.

The pet name makes his stomach flip, his cough subsiding for the moment, leaving his throat scratchy. He doesn’t understand how being near Seonghwa can be so soothing to him, yet at the same time his body tries to refuse it, the stinging in the back of his throat still residing when Seonghwa helps him lay down again.

This is their routine for the next month. Wooyoung’s still unable to attend his classes, and Seonghwa rarely does, although Wooyoung encourages him to. Seonghwa spends nearly all of his time with Wooyoung, almost always with some point of contact between them. It’s not often that Seonghwa doesn’t have his arms around Wooyoung, pressing kisses to his neck, his cheeks, his hands. Whenever they’re close, he whispers to him how much he loves him.

Being near Seonghwa makes Wooyoung feel complete, whole. His hands on him make warmth settle under his skin, a simmering held at bay by his affectionate touch and loving words. It’s everything Wooyoung’s ever wanted. 

But as time passes, Wooyoung’s condition worsens still. Despite Seonghwa’s best efforts, his scent, or his kiss will trigger something in Wooyoung, leading to another round of coughing. He always locks himself in the bathroom when he feels the recognizable pull in his chest, choosing not to subject Seonghwa to the sight of countless white petals falling from his lips. Although he knows it hurts the other that he can’t help him through it.

Wooyoung feels like his body is at war with itself. 

He can’t ignore it anymore when he spends most of every day pulling petals from his throat until his eyes are watering and his chest is heaving. Seonghwa tries to talk to him about it, concern lacing his face, but Wooyoung brushes off his words, instead curling up in his lap, his face in his neck, Seonghwa’s hands hesitantly placed around his waist. 

Wooyoung watches as Seonghwa grows ragged, his pretty features marred with exhaustion from being woken up by Wooyoung coughing at every hour of the night. He never once complains, always there for the younger. However, more than once as Wooyoung comes out of the bathroom after a long bout of coughing up petals, he catches Seonghwa alone, crying heavily, gasping as he tries to muffle the sounds. 

He wipes away his tears when he notices Wooyoung, gulping down his sobs and opening his arms for him. Wooyoung soon learns that asking him about it warrants no answers, only empty reassurances.

As the days go on, Wooyoung’s disease progresses until he can barely eat, can barely stand without feeling faint. He only gets small moments of peace in between coughing where he can rest, although he stopped being able to sleep, even with Seonghwa’s warm embrace. 

San, Yunho, and Mingi visit him often, offering what solace they can. He enjoys talking to them when they do, finding comfort in their smiles. He can pretend everything’s okay, even for a little while. Even if he can see the grief in their eyes.

He knows when he doesn’t have much time left, can feel his body ready to give in to his sickness, and he decides he can’t leave without saying goodbye. He writes letters to Mingi and Yunho, pouring his heart out to them and sealing it away in envelopes. 

On a morning towards the end of December, the air freezing, Wooyoung wakes up feeling just as frozen, the petals permanently lodged in his throat just as solid as the winter ground outside. He texts San, asking him to come over, which he accepts instantly. After another round of incessant coughing, San is at their door, and Seonghwa leaves to provide them with privacy, the feeling of his hand lingering on Wooyoung’s cheek.

  
“What’s up?” San asks as they sit down on the couch together.

“I just really wanted to see you today.” 

“Oh, okay.” Wooyoung can feel San’s eyes ghosting over his face, undoubtedly taking in his sickly appearance. 

They talk for a few minutes, San telling him about his classes and about how Yunho and Mingi are doing.

“They’re dating now.” He announces with a sly smile. 

“They finally got their heads out of their asses, huh?” Wooyoung laughs, and San nods. “I’m really happy for them.” 

“Me too.” San says fondly. “But they’re really worried about you, you know.” He sombers.

“I know.” Wooyoung looks down at the couch. “Actually, I was wondering if you could give these to them for me.” He mumbles, holding out the envelopes addressed to his two friends. 

“I mean, of course, but why not just do it yourself when you see them next?” San takes the letters, looking down at them before his eyes are on Wooyoung again, calculating. 

“Because I… I don’t think I’m going to see them again.” 

“Wooyoung.” San’s tone is warning. “Don’t say that. You’ll see them again.” 

Wooyoung can’t lie to his friend, he deserves the truth.

“San, please, just do this for me.” Wooyoung holds back his tears. He wants to stay strong.

“Woo, you’re gonna be fine.” San’s own tears are falling down his face. “You’re supposed to be getting better with Seonghwa, isn’t he helping you?” He loses his composure as he talks. 

“He’s been amazing. But it’s not enough. It’s still gotten so much worse.” As if to accentuate his point, Wooyoung’s thrown into another fit of coughing. “I don’t know if I’m going to make it through tonight.” He wipes at his eyes, his voice hoarse. 

San breaks down at his words. 

“No, no, no. Please, I can’t lose you.” He sobs, and Wooyoung pulls him close. 

“It’s okay, it’ll be okay.” Wooyoung smiles through his tears.

“Please don’t leave me.” San buries his face in Wooyoung’s chest.

“I’m going to miss you.” Wooyoung feels dazed. None of this seems real, but the encompassing ache in his chest won’t let him forget. 

He doesn’t know how long they sit together, sobbing until they’re fighting to breathe. Wooyoung tries to keep from gagging as the heaviness creeping through him starts to take over. Eventually they both take deep breaths, calming down and leaning back slightly, although still in each other’s arms.

“Thank you.” Wooyoung looks into San’s eyes, pooling with pain. “Thank you for being such an amazing friend.” He wipes San’s cheek with his thumb.

“I’ve spent some of the greatest moments in my life with you. Thank you for giving that to me, for letting me be your friend. God, I’m going to miss you so much Woo.” San blinks towards the ceiling. “What am I going to do without you?” 

“You live your life. Be happy. Finally talk to Yeosang, I’ve seen the way you look at him on campus.” San chuckles at his words, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“I love you Sannie.” Wooyoung pulls him close again, his voice wavering.

“I love you too Woo. More than anything.” San’s tears land on his skin.

Wooyoung’s the first to pull back, smiling sadly at San. He walks him to the door, and San hugs him again before he leaves, his fists gripping the material of his sweatshirt. He struggles to pull himself away, leaving a kiss on Wooyoung’s forehead, tears still falling steadily from his eyes, and then he’s gone.

As Seonghwa comes back in, every breath feels like a burden for Wooyoung. His eyes are swollen, his head cloudy. Seonghwa is by his side, alarm written on his face. 

“Woo, what’s going on? Why was San crying?” His eyes scan Wooyoung’s body. 

“I said goodbye to him.” Wooyoung states, focusing on breathing in and out without coughing.

“What do you mean?” Seonghwa stills, his eyes wide and fearful.

“Seonghwa, I know you’re trying, but it’s not working, I’m getting worse.” Seonghwa stares at him in shock and disbelief.

“But it’s supposed to work. I love you.” His hands are on Wooyoung’s cheeks, desperate. 

“I know Hwa, but you don’t love me like that. It’s not your fault, you can’t force yourself to-”

Seonghwa interrupts him by crashing their lips together.

Wooyoung freezes, Seonghwa’s lips softer than he could’ve imagined, pressing against his in the way he’s ached for since he met him. He lets himself fall apart, unravel and be put back together by Seonghwa’s lips. 

Then he pushes Seongwha away, kneeling with his hands on the ground as endless coughs burst from his chest. He wants it to end, doesn’t want Seonghwa to see this, but the petals tear themselves from his throat, now heavy as he gags. He sees them fall to the ground, coated in a thick layer of dark blood. The smell of iron assaults his nose, and he falls back, crying as he still fights to breathe.

“Wooyoung, I don’t know what to do.” Seonghwa’s watching him in horror. “Tell me what to do, this has to work, I love you.” Seonghwa’s hands tug at his hair as he stumbles over his words, tears cascading down his face.

“I know you still love him.” Wooyoung says between dry coughs.

“It doesn’t matter. I left him for you.” Seonghwa moves towards him.

“You said it was because you guys weren’t working out.” Wooyoung eyes him suspiciously. 

“After San told me what’s wrong with you, and I saw how you looked the night of your birthday, I had to do something. I had to be with you, so I could save you.”

“That’s why it won’t work. You can’t force yourself to love me like you love him. I shouldn’t have let you try, but I couldn’t stop myself from wanting it.” Wooyoung can’t catch his breath. 

“Why isn’t it enough that I love you with all my heart?” Seonghwa looks at him like he’s begging him to let it work. If only he could.

“It’s not something either of us can control. Your heart is his, and you can’t change that. But I need you to know that it’s not your fault, and I don’t blame you.” Wooyoung looks back at him intensely, trying to explain calmly through the storm inside him, emphasizing the importance of his words. 

“So what then? I can’t just sit here and let you die.” Seonghwa’s tone grows frantic, his wide eyes searching Wooyoung’s face.

“You’re going to have to let me go.” Wooyoung feels tears in his eyes as he speaks, but his voice is steady.

“No, please baby, I can save you, just let me try. I’ll try harder for you.” Seonghwa pulls him into his lap, his lips on Wooyoung’s, on his cheeks, his forehead, his neck. His tears come faster. Every touch of his lips to Wooyoung’s skin makes him choke on more petals.

“Seonghwa, it’s okay, there’s just nothing left to do.” He puts his hands on Seonghwa’s cheeks. “I know you tried. Thank you, I love you.” He rests their foreheads together, their eyes closed as they breathe unsteadily.

Wooyoung threads his fingers through the other’s hair, pulling his head back to look at him. “Can we lay down? I’m just really tired.. But we can talk about this later, okay?” All he wants is to be sheltered from the world by Seonghwa. The older nods and helps him into his bed, warm and firm against him.

He feels pain clutching at his chest, dangerous as he swallows against the tightness in his throat. He ignores the ache to instead lay with Seonghwa, but he can feel himself letting go. He has to tell Seonghwa, has to say goodbye, but suddenly he can’t keep his eyes open, and exhaustion drags him under, lulled by the rise and fall of Seonghwa’s chest underneath him.

  
  


When he wakes up again, it’s pitch black around him. He can barely make out Seonghwa’s outline next to him, still deeply lost in sleep. He slips out of bed, all but running to the bathroom as his stomach churns, throat constricting, more consuming than it’s ever been. 

He falls onto his hands and knees, coughing in an endless stream of gasps as he pulls petals from his throat, blood staining his hands and the floor beneath him. Pain explodes in his chest, it’s never hurt this bad before. He groans as he gags around the petals, but it doesn’t end. 

He keeps coughing, crying and gasping for air, only for his throat to be filled with blood instead. The relief never comes, and he tries to call out for Seonghwa, but he can’t think, his vision fading. He coughs up petals and blood until all he can see is red, all he can taste is the sweet sting in his throat, his lungs desperate for oxygen.

But this time, San’s not there to rub his back, he can’t pull himself up to lay in Seonghwa’s safe arms again. He can only cough until even that takes too much effort, and he sags against the cold tile. Behind his eyelids he sees Seonghwa, his sweet face, his warm smile, and then everything goes black.

  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “Seonghwa?” He flinches when he feels a hand on his back, small and familiar.  _

_ “Seonghwa, baby, are you okay?” Seonghwa looks into Hongjoong’s eyes, his breathing erratic.  _

_ “Hey, come here.” Hongjoong says, gently helping him over to sit on the couch. “Talk to me, what’s wrong?” His words are so soft, and Seonghwa almost breaks down all over again. _

_ He almost lets himself fall into Hongjoong, be wrapped up in him and ignore everything else, but he can’t get the sight of Wooyoung out of his mind, sick and frail because of him. He has to do this, he has to save him. _

_ “I- Hongjoong, we need to break up.” His heart shatters when he says the words, but it’s nothing compared to the look of agony that falls over the other’s face, blinking away tears. _

_ “Baby, you’re upset right now. Just calm down, we can talk about this.” Hongjoong’s voice is shaky. _

_ “There’s nothing to talk about. We’re not working out.” Each word is like a hot iron he’s forcing down his throat as he makes his voice stay even. _

_ “Seonghwa, I, I don’t understand.” Hongjoong’s eyes are filled with tears, pleading with him, terrified. “What do you mean we’re not working out? I thought everything was fine...” _

_ Please don’t look at me like that. _

_ “I’m sorry.” He stands, stepping towards the door. _

_ “Whatever it is, we can work through it together, I promise. Just please, please don’t do this.” _

_ “It’s too late Hongjoong.” His words come out cold, but inside he’s on fire, scorched by the flames. _

_ “You said you loved me.” Hongjoong follows him, arms crossed, curling into himself. _

_ “I…” He can’t say it. _

_ How can he lie and break the boy in front of him, the love of his life? He tells himself that it’s for the other’s protection. If he hates him, he’ll forget him. He’ll move on and be happy.  _

_ “I don’t love you anymore.” He feels everything drain from him until all he can feel is pain.  _

_ It’s for Wooyoung. It’s for Hongjoong. _

_ “I have to go. Get your stuff and leave before I get back.” He turns away and takes another step towards the door, like walking through concrete. _

_ “Seonghwa, if you leave, I won’t be able to do this again. I won’t be able to come back. Please, just think about this. I love you.”  _

_ Seonghwa’s a coward. He can’t face Hongjoong, can’t see him look as broken as he sounds, the tears on his face that he caused.  _

_ With everything in him aching to stay, he walks out the door. _

___ 

Seonghwa’s eyes snap open, suddenly aware of the empty space next to him. He sits up, the anxiety in his chest calming when he notices the bathroom light on. Woo just went to the bathroom, he’ll be back soon. He lays down again to wait for the younger. As he stares up at the ceiling, his mind wanders, traces of the memory still sour on his tongue. 

He doesn’t let himself dwell on it, his focus instead on Wooyoung, remembering the look on his face after he’d kissed him. His heart stings with the knowledge that Wooyoung is in pain because of him, the guilt weighing heavy on his mind. Beyond that, he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else than by his best friend’s side.

When he digs himself out of his thoughts, he feels worry rear its head again. Wooyoung’s been gone for too long, the room far too silent. He tries to keep any gruesome thoughts out of his head as he slips out of bed, walking towards the bathroom. However, every step furthers the dread in him, unsure of where the feeling’s coming from. 

“Woo?” He calls, knocking gently on the closed door. “Are you okay?”

He waits, listening. Only silence meets him.

“Wooyoung?” He tries the handle, and it turns under his grip. 

He pushes the door open, the small creak loud in the quiet darkness. When he steps inside the bathroom, his legs give out underneath him. 

Wooyoung’s face down on the tile, his skin pale as he lies in a pool of his own blood and small flower petals. 

Seonghwa holds his stomach, retching as the smell of iron invades his senses. He wipes his mouth, eyes wet with tears, crawling towards his friend. 

“Wooyoung.” He shakes his unmoving body, blood on his hands. “Wooyoung please wake up.” He grabs his shoulder, turning him over, gagging again when he lays limp in his arms.

He cradles him close to his chest, seeing the white chrysanthemum petals that filled his mouth, now coated with blood. He puts his hand on his cheek, the skin underneath it cold, lifeless.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He rocks Wooyoung in his lap, head hung over him as he sobs.

Seonghwa feels like he can’t breathe, his body mocking him for what he did to Wooyoung. His chest clenches, the world tilting around him. He fights to catch his breath, everything blurry, his mind spinning under the deafening ringing in his ears. 

He sets Wooyoung down again, stumbling out of the bathroom before falling to his knees. His hands shake violently as he grabs his phone, blood smearing the screen as he recalls Hongjoong’s previously deleted phone number through his panic. He presses the call button and holds it up to his ear. It doesn’t ring.

_ “Please leave your message after the tone.” _

“God damnit!” He cries through clenched teeth, fumbling to call again.

_ “Please leave your message after the tone.”  _ He waits for the monotone sound.

“Hongjoong, please. I- I know I fucked up, and I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing. Wooyoung is fucking dead, and I don’t know what to do. I need help, I need you, I- I’ll do anything just please fucking answer, I’m begging you. Please help me,  _ fuck. _ ” He presses the end call button, unable to speak through his tears anymore.

He knows he’s hyperventilating, but he can’t calm himself down. God, if he could just fucking  _ breathe. _

He needs Wooyoung in his arms again, his loving smile and sweet laugh, but he can’t see anything other than petals spilling out of his mouth, the flowers that choked him to death. He needs to hear his voice, loud and happy and familiar, but his head is filled with Wooyoung unmoving on the cold bathroom tile, alone and dripping with blood. He needs his best friend, but he’s gone. He needs to hear someone, anyone, tell him it’ll be okay, even if it never will be.

He curls against the wall, phone cradled in his hand.

“Please answer.” He whispers, begging the darkness as he hits the call button again.

_ “Please leave your message after the tone.” _

“Please..”

_ “Please leave your message after the tone.” _


End file.
